June 1:
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
--Robert A. Heinlein

May 1:
If the people want to go to hell, my job is to help them get there.
--Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes

April 17:
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
--Joan Rivers

March 6:
A liberal is a conservative who's been arrested. A conservative is a liberal who's been mugged.
--Wendy Kaminer

February 10:
We're all divine, but I was the only one who had the nerve to call myself that.
--The Divine Miss M, Bette Midler

January 9:
I don't care who gets Blackacre.
--Gerald Reamey, Professor of Criminal Law

December 26:
Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstean get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.
--Bella Abzug

Here I am a female attorney being told I can't practice law in slacks by a judge dressed in drag.
Florynce Kennedy

August 29:
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
--Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons

August 8:
I wanted to be a fleshy, voluptuous woman, but no matter how many bean burritos with extra cheese I ate, I knew it wasn't my destiny.
--Cameron Diaz

August 1:
Britney Spears will give birth to octuplets--all of whom will get jobs before Kevin Federline.
--Alec Baldwin

July 11:
I love fashion, but I look at the pictures of the skinny models, and they're wearing clothes I can't even fit on my fingers. And I look at that and I think, if that is what a woman is supposed to look like, then I must not be one.
--Margaret Cho

June 20:
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.
--Bo Derek

June 6:
I have 6 locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure that no matter how long someone stands there picking locks, they're always locking 3.
--Unknown

May 23:
I believe that, for women, there is no avoiding marrying the wrong person, because we often marry men. And men are just plain wrong.
--Patricia Heaton

May 16:
Love is like pi--natural, irrational, and very important.
--Lisa Hoffman

May 9:
I don't define success as sitting next to Barbara Walters and wearing designer evening gowns. Success for me was passing the bar on the first shot.
--Star Jones

May 2:
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is: No pain, no pain.
--Carol Leifer

April 25:
According to the Dalai Lama, "If you desire happiness, you should seek the causes that give rise to it, and if you don't desire suffering, then what you should do is to ensure that the causes and conditions that give rise to it no longer arise." In other words, life goes by very quickly, and a wise soul does not sleep in itchy pajamas.
--Michael Flocker

April 18:
If you must curse, use your own name.
--God

April 11:
There is only one woman I know of who could never be a symphony conductor and that's the Venus de Milo.
--Margaret Hillis

April 4:
Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.
--Sophia Loren

March 28:
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have facelifts until my ears meet."
--Rita Rudner

March 21:
My breasts have a career of their own. Theirs is going better.
--Jennifer Love Hewitt

March 14:
Feminism! Equal pay is fine, but put on some lipstick!
--Kitty Foreman from That 70's Show

March 7:
A lot of guys think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent she is. I don't think it works like that. I think it's the opposite. I think the larger a woman's breasts are, the less intelligent men become.
--Anita Wise

February 28:
The main reason guys will never admit to having even the teensiest clue about what women really want is because if they did, they'd have to do something about it.
--Barbara Graham

February 21:
Someone once asked me what my best side is. I'm like 'I don't know, the front?'"
--Reese Witherspoon

Happy Valentine's Day!
February 14:
Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.
--The Velveteen Rabbit

February 7:
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children"--they leave skid marks.
--Rita Rudner

January 31:
Never look as if you're lost.  Look as if you know exactly where you're going.  If you don't know where you're going, head straight to the bar.
--Joan Collins

January 24:
I have only two temperamental outbursts a year--each lasts six months.
--Tallulah Bankhead

January 17:
I'm not into dieting. I like to work out, but if I want a frozen Ding Dong, I'm damn well going to have one.
--Kelly Clarkson

January 10:
Men and women are infallible.  The difference is, women know it.
--Eleanor Bron

January 3:
Just get up and dance.  No one cares how good you are.  The greatest dancers are not great because of their technique, but because of their passion.
--Martha Graham